What the hell?
by BigFatBirdWithNoLegs
Summary: Shikamaru has developped a stalker of sorts... Kankuro's crossdressing and following him around. Then Sasuke sees a cowboy, Kiba has a World Tour and Orochimaru receives an odd letter... he has a pig named Peppermen?
1. Crossdresser in my bed!

Disclaimer: I'm really hyper…. I must have drank too much of that Chinese tea! That reminds me… My 8-year-old sister made a comic about some racist Chinese people. They got run over by a train

What the hell kinda disclaimer was that!

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"Hmm… so troublesome," muttered Shikamaru as he slowly pulled himself up a flight of stairs, "I need an elevator. Or an escalator."

He managed to drag himself all the way up. "And I really, really need a nap."

He pulled open the door to his room, and was about to flop down on his bed when he noticed that there was someone already lying there. His expression turned to his trademark pout.

He ripped the covers off the intruder, only to find some guy with this weird (but cool) hat that looked like it had ears.

"Kankuro?" said Shikamaru, mystified.

Kankuro didn't wake up, only grunted slightly, so Shikamaru poked him.

"Love is like being beside a nice, fresh loaf of bread," mumbled Kankuro.

"What the hell?" asked Shikamaru.

"Hmmm? Sorry. I was having a dream about The Brave Little Toaster. Who's your favorite character from that movie?"

"The vacuum cleaner."

"Did you ever see The Brave Little Toaster Two?"

"Yes. Now, what the hell are you doing in my bed!"

"I heard they were making a third movie to the series," continued Kankuro, oblivious to the question.

"Um… Kankuro… Why are you wearing women's clothing?" Shikamaru asked, noticing Kankuro's maid costume for the first time.

"Kankuro? Who's that? I-I'm…" Kankuro stuttered.

"Go on. Who are you then?" Shikamaru was becoming quite annoyed. What was with this troublesome guy?

"I'm Kangaroo?"

Shikamaru just stared. A cross-dressing ninja from the sand country was sitting on his bed talking about kangaroos. What the hell.

"Okaaay… So get out of my bed. And what are you doing in my house, anyways?"

"I'm a maid! Your dad hired me to clean up the house. I better get cleaning!" he giggled, and rushed off.

Shikamaru just stared after Kankuro, his eyes bulging out. What the HELL was going on here? What was Kankuro doing disguised as a maid? Why was he even in Konoha?

_And why the hell was he in my bed?_ wondered Shikamaru. _I'm going to find out! But first… My nap._

He awoke a few hours later. To his great distaste, he had had a dream about flying toasters.

"Frigging toasters," he groaned, clutching his head. His stomach let out a loud rumble and he realized how hungry he was. He walked downstairs, planning on raiding the refrigerator.

When he opened the fridge, though, there was nothing to raid. All there that was there was beer and mustard.

"Dammit," he mumbled, "I'm going to have to go shopping again! Why doesn't anyone ever tell me when we're out of food?"

His stomach let out another loud rumble.

"Oh, Shikamaru-kun!" called a voice, unmistakably Kankuro's, from behind him.

He turned around, "Don't call me that… And I thought you were supposed to be cleaning or something."

"I made lunch for you!" Kankuro, still dressed in his maid's outfit, held out a plate full of food. The noodles seemed to be wiggling.

"Ummm… you are so seriously scaring me now, Kankuro. I'm going over to Chouji's for a while." Shikamaru needed to get away from Kankuro, and he knew that there was always plenty of food available at Chouji's.

"My name's Kangaroo! And aren't you going to eat the lunch I made for you?"

Shikamaru left, leaving Kankuro, all alone except for the wiggling mess that he had made for lunch.

Shikamaru stood, tapping his foot on the front step of Chouji's house. He rang the doorbell again. Nobody answered.

"Stupid Chouji… He must be eating too loudly to hear the doorbell! Man, I really need some food."

He turned and walked down the steps, disheartened. Who else could he mooch food off of? Asuma, maybe?

He started walking down the road on the way to Asuma's house when he spotted Naruto.

"Hey, Shikamaru! What's up?" grinned the blond boy, walking faster to catch up with his friend.

"Kankuro," grumbled Shikamaru.

Naruto stopped for a minute, puzzled. Then he sped up again to keep up with Shikamaru.

"What? Kankuro's… up? Ewww, that's nasty!"

"Dumbass!" snapped Shikamaru, hitting Naruto over the head, "That isn't what I meant!"

"Ow! That hurt! But why did you mention Kankuro..? He left with Gaara, didn't he?"

"I don't know! He's hanging around my house pretending to be a maid!"

"What the hell?" said Naruto.

"I don't know! But can I please have some food?"

"Do you like ramen?"

"Yeah, sure."

Naruto led the way over to his house.

"Ummm… Sorry about the mess!" said Naruto sheepishly as they walked inside.

"It's fine," Shikamaru answered, "You shoulda seen my place before Kankuro cleaned it…"

Naruto paused while taking some leftover ramen out of the fridge. "Is Kankuro REALLY at your house?" he asked.

"Yes! YES! Why would I tell you that if he wasn't!" Shikamaru grabbed the bowl from Naruto and began to eat it noisily.

"Are you going to eat that cold?"

"Mmmphh," replied Shikamaru through a mouthful of noodles.

"Too lazy to heat it up I guess," sighed Naruto.

Shikamaru nodded.

"So are you going to leave any of that for me?" Naruto exhaled noisily.

"Why are you exhaling noisily?" Shikamaru paused from eating to look at Naruto.

Naruto pounced on him, trying to wrestle away the half-empty bowl of ramen. Shikamaru lost his footing, and he fell on the ground, Naruto on top of him. The noodles spilled everywhere.

"You wasted a perfectly good lunch!" complained Shikamaru.

"Whatever, the floor's clean," mumbled Naruto, slurping up noodles from all over the place.

"Hey, guys! Ummm… why are you covered in noodles?"

Shikamaru tilted back his head and looked up at who was talking. "Ah! Kankuro! Naruto, keep him busy for a minute! I have to get out of here!"

"Hmmm?" Naruto looked up from a noodle he was slurping, "Why is he dressed like a girl?"

Shikamaru didn't bother to answer. He pushed Naruto forcibly off of him, got to his feet, and ran out of the house in a split second.

Naruto tried to stand up, but ended up slipping on noodles and fell over again. He looked up at Kankuro.

"What are you doing?"

Kankuro giggled. "I brought Shikamaru his lunch!"

Naruto glanced at the "lunch". "Shikamaru already ate. And besides, that looks so gross even I wouldn't eat it!"

"Oh."

"And don't giggle! That just freaks me out! What are you doing here, Kankuro?"

"Hmm… I was looking for Shikamaru… But he ran off on me. And I'm not Kankuro! I'm just an innocent little maid!"

Naruto squinted at him. "Come on, Kankuro! Even I'm not that stupid! What do you want with Shikamaru?"

"Sorry, Naruto. You figured out my true identity."

"Sorry? What—"

Naruto was stopped in mid-sentence by a swift kick to the head.

"I cannot let you get in the way of my plans."


	2. Warthog the cowboy!

Disclaimer: (I'm sorry Sheena's mom). A senior citizen, I have a friend named Riannagh. And I don't own anything! I swear! I don't even own myself! I sold myself to some worldwide organization of hobos!

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Naruto's vision blurred… His eyes closed and he drifted slowly into sleep.

He awoke to noises from the living room. Curious, he peeked into the other room. He withdrew his head quickly. Had he really seen what he thought he had seen? He peeked in again to make sure.

Shikamaru and Kankuro were making out on his couch.

Naruto blinked. What the hell? Shikamaru and Kankuro? That was something he never thought he would see!

"I want you," Kankuro whispered into Shikamaru's ear.

"You're so… troublesome…" mumbled Shikamaru.

That's when Naruto woke up for real.

…MEANWHILE…

Kankuro left Naruto's house in search of Shikamaru. Shikamaru had gone off somewhere (probably to Chouji's) but Kankuro was too stupid to think of that so he started wandering around in circles around a tree.

"Psst! Kankuro!" someone sitting in the tree yelled at him.

Kankuro looked up. "Temari! I told you to call me Kangaroo! We have to use code names! If we don't, we'll be discovered!"

Temari jumped down from the tree. "All right, then you have to call me Tortoise. And where's Gaara— I mean, where's Warthog?"

Just then Gaara (or should I say Warthog) arrived.

"Warthog!" exclaimed Temari and Kankuro.

Gaara glared at the two. "Did you just call me Warthog?"

Kankuro was about to answer when he noticed that Gaara was wearing his regular clothing. "Gaara!" he exclaimed, "Where's your maid outfit!"

"There is no way I am wearing a maid outfit!" yelled Gaara.

"But you have to disguise yourself! Otherwise people might get suspicious!" Temari reasoned with him, "Besides, even Kankuro is wearing his!"

"I don't care what that idiot does! And he's still wearing that stupid hat, anyways! Everyone will know it's him," retorted Gaara.

"Hey, don't diss the hat!" snarled Kankuro, mad because he really liked his hat. He had got it as a birthday present for himself. "But Temari," he whined, "Why do Gaara and I have to disguise ourselves as maids and you get to disguise yourself as a butler! I feel ridiculous in this, and I think Shikamaru is suspicious."

Temari snorted, "Well, I'm sure that's got nothing to do with the disguise! I made these costumes myself. It's probably your acting job that's got him suspicious."

"Oh yeah, like you're a better actor!"

"I sure am! At least I didn't get laughed out of that strip club!"

"That's because—Hey, shut up! That was a long time ago, so forget it!"

"Will you two shut up!" interrupted Gaara, "We should be discussing the mission, fools!"

"Sorry Warthog," replied Kankuro and Temari.

Gaara glared again. "Who came up with that stupid code name?"

Kankuro raised his hand.

"Well, it's stupid. So, about the mission, how are you guys doing?"

"I've successfully infiltrated Shikamaru's house," answered Kankuro.

"Well, I've become a trusted butler in Chouji's house," smirked Temari, "And I'm very close to discovering his secret jutsu."

"What about you, Gaara?" asked Kankuro.

"I've been following Uchiha around, but I think this is retarded."

"How so?" asked Temari.

"Don't use derogatory terms," scoffed Kankuro, receiving yet another glare from his younger brother.

"I see how Kankuro can secretly learn Shikamaru's special jutsu, and I see how you can maybe learn Chouji's," began Gaara, "But how the hell am I supposed to learn Sasuke's! It's hereditary, there's no way I can use it!"

"Don't be discouraged, Gaara! You'll find a way to use the sharingan! Or would you rather be assigned someone else?" said Temari.

"Someone else," muttered Gaara, mad because of the sheer stupidity of everyone around him.

"Alright. You can stalk Neiji now," said Kankuro.

"THAT'S THE SAME DAMN PROBLEM!" yelled Gaara, "I have black stuff around my eyes! And no eyebrows. But that's all! I don't have weird tadpole things in my eyes like Sasuke! I don't have white eyes with no pupil and lots of veins everywhere like Neiji! AND I NEVER WILL!" Gaara stopped ranting to breathe.

"Calm down, Gaara," said Temari, acting like Gaara was only five years old, "Is the mission too hard for you? All we need to do is find out how to use some of Konoha's secret jutsus!"

"Fine. I'll stalk Uchiha. But it won't do any good. We're just wasting our time here."

"That's the spirit, little bro!" announced Kankuro, patting Gaara heartily on the back. He probably hadn't been listening to the conversation anyways.

"So, just one more thing before we resume the mission…" said Temari slyly, "If Gaara doesn't want to wear the maid costume, I have another disguise that I made especially for him!"

Gaara backed away in horror. _Oh crap,_ he thought, _it had better not be my old Halloween costume!_

…BACK TO NARUTO, NOW…

Naruto groaned and rolled over. So Kankuro and Shikamaru had just been a dream.

Someone kicked him. "Wake up!" came a familiar voice.

"Sasuke," Naruto opened his eyes, "Why did you wake me up!"

Sasuke poked Naruto with his foot, "We have a mission! Why do you always forget! We have to go trim Hokage-sama's hedges today."

Naruto wasn't listening, "Shikamaru came over yesterday. And Kankuro. Or was that also part of my dream?"

"What dream?" asked Sasuke.

"I had a dream with… Shikamaru and Kankuro."

"That they came over?" asked Sasuke. Naruto always confused him.

"No, they were making out on my couch!" exclaimed Naruto. He was still lying on the ground.

"Naruto…"

"What?"

"You're such a weirdo!"

"I know! That was even weirder than my dream where you started doing a strip dance on my table while singing about Canada's geography!"

Sasuke hit Naruto in the head. "Stop dreaming about me doing stupid things like that!"

While the two were quarreling, someone was watching them through the window. Someone who was trying not to be seen because he was ridicoulously disguised…

"Damn! I look so stupid in this," muttered Gaara, "I need to change my clothes before anyone sees me."

It was too late.

"Hey," Sasuke paused from hitting Naruto.

"What?" Naruto paused from getting hit by Sasuke.

"I thought I saw a cowboy outside the window!" exclaimed Sasuke.

"You yell at me for being stupid, now who's the one saying stupid stuff?" muttered Naruto, not too loudly. He didn't want to be hit in the head anymore. There was already a lump the size of a basketball there.

"I'm serious," Sasuke strode over to the window and opened it. He stuck his head out, looking around.

"Yeah right!" Naruto scowled, "Why would there be a COWBOY of all things outside my window?" He looked outside, "I don't see anyone."

That was because Gaara had quickly hidden himself in the leaves of the tree he had been sitting in.

"Phew, that was a close one," he muttered under his breath, "Man, this bites."

Gaara was dressed in a ten-gallon cowboy hat, complete with a sheriff's star, a vest over top of a dress shirt and, best of all, leather pants. The pants were pretty small, though, because they had been his Halloween costume two years ago.

"Ngh," breathed Gaara, "these pants are so damn tight! I can barely breathe." Gaara reached for the zipper of his pants, but he realized that it was stuck. "Aw, crap."

He started struggling. No matter how hard he pulled, the zipper wouldn't go down. This wasn't good! These stupid tight pants! Made him look like a loser, anyways. So Gaara tried pulling down the pants without undoing the zipper. But they got stuck around his hips. He was so involved in wrestling with his pants that he lost his footing and fell out of the tree.

Naruto and Sasuke heard a loud boom and stuck their heads out the window again. This time they saw Gaara.

"I told you I saw a cowboy!" cried Sasuke.

Naruto jumped out of the window down to where Gaara lay, still struggling.

"Gaara, what are you doing?" he asked.

"Trying to get my damn pants off!" yelled Gaara.


	3. Superlong

Do chickens have butts? Ask me later and I'll tell you twice.

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Temari and Kankuro skipped off towards Chouji's house, unaware of Gaara's odd predicament. Well, actually, it was only Kankuro that skipped. Temari walked along calmly, having a random flashback.

…FLASHBACK…

"Kankuro! What are you doing!" exclaimed Temari, "Why are you putting marijuana in my cookie dough?"

She had left the room for about five seconds, and when she had come back, Kankuro was already messing around with her cooking again. Honestly!

"Muahahaha! I AM A BEAVER! WATCH MY OBSCENE IMITATION OF A DIFFERENT BEAVER!" yelled Kankuro, possibly on crack.

"Why, Kankuro, why?" Temari burst into tears, "I just wanted to make some nice cookies for Itachi! You ruin everything!"

Kankuro looked ashamed of himself because he had made his sister cry. He did his beaver imitation to try to cheer her up.

…END FLASHBACK…

Temari whacked Kankuro in the head.

"Ow! What was that for!" yelled an outraged Kankuro, who wasn't watching where he was going and fell into a puddle of jell-o.

"That was for the time you put marijuana in the cookies I was making for Itachi!"

"Sorry," said Kankuro, but he wasn't really paying attention. He was fighting over the jell-o with a male prostitute that looked suspiciously like Kiba's dad.

…MEANWHILE…

"So, Gaara, do you want me to help you take off your pants?" asked Naruto innocently.

"No," snarled Gaara, backing away. Then he passed out because his pants were so tight.

"Leave him, we have more important things to do!" said Sasuke, looking at Shino, who was chasing some bugs down the street, followed by a random stampede of penguins, "We still need to trim the Hokage's hedges."

"But he'll die if we don't take his pants off!" pleaded Naruto, watching Akamaru run past, being chased by Kiba wearing a sombrero.

"She's a girl dressed like a girl, I don't see any cross-dressing there!" yelled Kiba. He was wearing a shirt that said "Boner" on it.

"Fine, fine," muttered Sasuke, and he deftly pulled off Gaara's pants. "Now let's go."

And so Gaara lay unconscious in Naruto's front garden, wearing a cowboy hat and his boxers. (which said "Kiba World Tour" on them) He stole those from Shino's underwear drawer. Don't ask why Gaara was going through Shino's underwear. And don't ask why Shino has underwear that say Kiba's name on them. At least he doesn't wear thongs.

Oh yeah, and don't ask why Kiba has a World Tour.

Naruto and Sasuke arrived in front of the Hokage's hedges, ready to trim them.

"Hey, Sasuke! Naruto!" yelled Sakura, who was already waiting there, "You guys are late!"

"Naruto wouldn't come until I took off Gaara's pants," replied Sasuke, before he realized how wrong that sounded.

Sakura looked horrified.

"Hey, how come you could get those pants off Gaara so easily when he couldn't even get them off himself?" asked Naruto.

"I'm used to taking leather pants off people," explained Sasuke calmly, "It used to be my job."

The old Hokage barged outside, luckily, before this conversation could be continued.

"What are you three hooligans doing!" he demanded.

"Waiting for Kakashi-sensei. We have a mission today to cut your heges," Sakura explained.

"No, no, no!" the Hokage said, "You don't have any missions today! Kakashi is playing strip poker with me, Tsunade and Asuma today!"

"Where's the perverted Hermit?" asked Naruto pointlessly.

"He's sneaking around in my house, hoping I won't see him, so he can use my crystal ball to spy on naked girls."

"Oh. Okay."

The Hokage went back inside.

"We don't have a mission today!" spat Naruto, randomly yelling in Sasuke's face, "Why did you tell me we did, Sasukkkkkkke?"

"My name only has one 'k'," replied Sasuke, "And Kakashi told me we were supposed to be doing this today!"

Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura went inside to yell at Kakashi. They found him half naked, losing at strip poker.

"There's no way out, now, Kakashi," cackled Asuma, "you must take off that mask sooner or later!"

Kakashi let out a small sigh. His hand reached up towards his mask… pulling it down…

He had another, identical mask underneath.

Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto left. On their way home, they passed by Rock Lee, who was trimming the Hokage's hedges to look like shiny teeth. Gai was cheering him on.

Sasuke walked back to his house, followed by Sakura and Naruto.

"Go home now!" he yelled, because they started following him into his house.

They were too lazy, so they decided to go to Chouji's house instead.

Shikamaru was lying on the floor, watching some stupid soap opera cooking show because he was too lazy to change the channel. Chouji sat beside him, eating chips. Then Shikamaru had to go pee, so he crawled over to the bathroom. When he got there, he was too lazy to aim, so his pee sprayed all over the place.

"Damn! Curses! Double merde!" cursed Shikamaru, switching to french to express himself better.

"Don't worry about that!" came a singsong voice that was becoming all too familiar to Shikamaru. Kankuro.

"L'enfoiré!" sighed Shikamaru. Indeed, it was Kankuro, still dressed up in a maid's outfit.

"Let me get that for you!" squealed Kankuro, barging in with a mop and a bucket, and starting to clean up Shikamaru's pee.

Shikamaru quickly left the bathroom, avoiding any further confrontation with Kankuro, who was really beginning to scare him.

That's when Naruto and Sakura arrived at Chouji's house. Naruto managed to ring the bell 36.343 times before Temari answered. She really wasn't a very good butler!

"Hello! Come in," said Temari in her best butler voice, "May I take your coats?"

Neither Sakura nor Naruto were wearing coats, so they politely declined.

"Hey guys!" called Chouji. Naruto and Sakura sat down on the couch beside him, watching the soap opera cooking show. It was called "Grandmother's Woe" which really had nothing to do with the plot. The plot was about an octopus who liked salt just a little too much, if you get my drift.

Naruto started drooling on the couch. Nobody noticed.

This is getting rather boring, so let us see what Shino and Kiba are doing. No, it's not R rated. Well, actually it is. R for retarded.

Shino stopped running. He was exhausted. He couldn't find the bug he was chasing. Because he stopped, the horde of penguins caught up to him and began to mug him. All they managed to get was a plastic raincoat and a claustrophobic kohl. But before they could do worse damage, Kiba chased them away with his sombrero.

"Are you okay?" Kiba asked, helping Shino up.

Shino nodded. "Why does your shirt say 'Boner' on it?"

"Akamaru told me to get it. He thought it would be funny. But whenever I wear it, Kankuro always chases me around trying to steal it!"

"Well, I lost my underwear," said Shino, changing the subject, "Gaara was at my house and then they mysteriously vanished."

Kiba looked confused for a second. Then he realized what Shino was talking about, and a grin spread across his face.

"You mean… those underwear… for my World Tour?"

Shino nodded. Kiba's grin widened. BUT….

"Excuse me," interrupted Itachi. He was sitting on the side of the road, smoking some cookies that Temari had made for him. Shino and Kiba sat down beside him. Kiba took a cookie.

"He'll die from suffocation if you take that," whispered a surviving penguin, "cookie means air in Japanese, so if you take that away, he'll suffocate without oxygen. He'll die."

Kiba smacked the penguin with his sombrero, but he gave Itachi back his cookie in the off chance that the penguin was right.

"I wondering if you two could help me," asked Itachi, "I'm making a list."

"A list?" asked Kiba.

"101 ways to use Naruto," grinned Itachi, the wrinkles under his eyes crinkling up as he did so.

…MEANWHILE…

Shikamaru walked down the hall after his bathroom break to join the others. On his way, he noticed a small shop. It was called 'Mister Sand'.

"Ooooohh!" gushed Shikamaru. He quickly went inside. It was a little shop full of touristy things and souvenirs. Shikamaru had a weakness for these things, so he bought a postcard. He walked out of the shop, looking at what he had bought. The picture showed Chouji sitting in front of his house. There were words saying "I've been to this house!"

"That cost me $1.72," sighed Shikamaru, "How kitschy!"

He walked into the room where Naruto and the others were watching Grandmother's Woe.

"This is based on a true story," sighed Sakura, wiping a tear from her eye.

"That poor 7 legged octopus!" sobbed Naruto.

"What a tragic ending," remarked Temari tearfully, leaning over the back of the couch.

Only Chouji seemed unaffected. "I wonder if octopus really tastes that good with salt?"

"Almost as good as the Brave Little toaster!"

Shikamaru didn't even turn to see who had spoken last. He already knew. Kankuro. Shikamaru only stopped to write a message on his postcard and put it in a mailbox before he ran.

Shikamaru doesn't run often, I know. But when he does… Oh boy. I guess it came from all those years of running away so he didn't have to do chores or training. But Kankuro's not a bad runner himself. And he needed to know that shadow jutsu. So he gathered up his skirts in his hand and chased Shikamaru down the street, still in guise of a maid.

Around this time, Gaara woke up. Realizing that he had no pants, he quickly went to Washington D.C. to get some.

"Hi George," said Gaara to the president.

"The usual, Gaara?" asked the pres.

Gaara nodded. He got his pants (specially made by George W. Bush who used to be a hillbilly tailor before his days as president of the United States (don't forget to emphasize the 'U' when you say United States)), and quickly returned to Konoha.

'I must return to my stalking activities,' thought Gaara, 'Where is Uchiha?'

As if on cue, a mailman skipped by, delivering Shikamaru's postcard. Gaara was of course suffering from jet lag (he had just been in the good old U.S. of A. remember?) so he was somewhat disoriented. Instead of thinking of asparagus, as he usually did when he saw a mailman, he thought of Uchiha. In his tired little mind, he believed that the mailman would lead him to Sasuke. So Gaara followed the mailman.

Now, by some odd twist of fate, Shikamaru had mailed the postcard to none other than that stuck-up Uchiha brat, and so Gaara was lead to Sasuke's house by the postman.

Sasuke was bored, so he tried to phone Neji. The line was busy. Sasuke was still bored, so he turned on the TV. All that was on was reruns of Grandmother's woe. He settled down to watch, but he couldn't sit still. Something was bothering him, nagging at him from the back of his mind, but he couldn't think of what.

_Maybe I forgot to feed Chouji today,_ he thought, _Naw. I don't feed Chouji on Thursdays. Hmmm… Did I leave the microwave on? No… All I have in my kitchen is a fridge and a toaster oven. I don't even have a table! Maybe I was supposed to meet Kakashi for a game of lacrosse? But I broke my lacrosse stick on Naruto's head last week, and Kakashi's busy playing strip poker today… Wait! I know! I forgot to check the mail this morning! Maybe I got something from my aunty today! Yes, that's it! She always mails me on Thursdays!_

Sasuke jumped from the couch and ran outside just as the postman arrived. The postman happened to be Kiba's dad, who had a lot of odd jobs around Konoha besides being a gigolo. He tried to kidnap Hinata once, but no one knew why.

"Hello, Sasuke!" said Kiba's dad, smiling in an odd sort of way that Sasuke didn't much appreciate, "Got a letter for you today!"

"Deathwish children live in little towns," hummed Sasuke softly, ignoring the seductive look Kiba's dad was giving him, and snatching the postcard out of Kiba's dad's hands, "It must be from my aunty!"

As we all know, Gaara's dad was a rabbit. You may have seen him as a human, but that wasn't his REAL dad. Gaara's REAL dad was a rabbit.

So anyways, Gaara saw Sasuke and smirked. "Fear for your life, Uchiha!" he crowed, "For at dawn… YOU WILL DIE! MUAHAHAHHAHA!" Any other trace of sane thought was wiped away by Gaara's evil laughter.

Sasuke closed the door in Kiba's dad's face and sat down on the couch to read his postcard.

It said: "Uonce apon a time ther was a tree the tree said "I have 100 leves! and I like ice cream;" the tree's baboon frend like's bananas and driving and beer! The trees werst-enemy is the giraf because he etes trees body. Tree's mom seys he etes too much nutriens from the soyle and drink's to much water his frend seys he play's too much and dosen't doo his homwerk but he dosen't even go to scool.

Luv from aunty."

"Oh aunty," whispered Sasuke tearfully. Aunty's letters always made him cry. Well, they were really letters from Shikamaru, but Sasuke didn't know that. Sasuke didn't even realize that even if he had had an aunt, Itachi would have killed her 5 years ago in the Uchiha massacre.

But Shikamaru just liked writing to Sasuke, pretending to be his illiterate aunt. It was something he enjoyed doing, and he wrote to Sasuke every Thursday (and sometimes more often) without fail. One time he even sent Sasuke a zamboni on his birthday.

After re-reading the letter several times, and crying his heart out, Sasuke got bored. He decided to try phoning Neji again. This time, the line was not busy, but he got the answering machine.

"Hi, you have reached the branch Hyuuga household," came Neji's bored voice, "We are not available right now, blah, blah, blah. I have a little X on my forhead, to somehow show that I'm a bird in a cage that will someday be set free! I will fly! Free! FREE! And the world will never again know hate, or prejudice. I will set my goals. I will become a diplomat so that ordinary peoples' laws do not affect me! I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD! If you leave your name and number, I could call you back! Unless you have a dingo. I really hate dingos. Damn little dogs. Oh, and that reminds me, Kiba, stop making prank calls to this number. Don't make me come over there and you-know-what your dog in the ass. Neji out."

beep

…LATER…

Neji came home tired from his mission. Clipping the hedges was hard enough, but having to do it in the shape of shiny teeth with Gai watching to make sure the teeth were perfect… Well, it was pure torture from Neji's point of view.

The first thing he did was check his answering machine.

"You have 7 new messages." came the monotone voice.

Message 1: Kiba

"Hi! Is George there?"

Message 2: Kiba

"Hi! This is George!"

Message 3: Kiba

"Is your refrigerator running… a marathon? Haha."

Message 4: Kiba

"John A. MacDonald was the reincarnation of William Shakespeare."

Message 5: Kiba

"I sing opera."

Message 6: Kiba

"Hey, Neji. Come over and you-know-what my dog in the ass. He's a horny son of a bitch! No, really. He's a son of a bitch."

Message 7: Sasuke "Thank God! Someone sane!" exclaimed Neji, relieved.

"Hi, um… Neji? This is Sasuke. I just wanted to—WHAT THE HELL? Gaara! What are you doing here!"

"MUAHAHAHA! I WILL suck YOUR blood!"

"AHHHH! Get off me! HELP!"

"Teach me the sharingan or I will shove your head so far up your ass you'll have to eat shit for a week!"

"Bring it on, you black-eyed blob!"

"Who you callin' a blob! RAHHHHHH!"

BOOM! CRASH! RATTLE RATTLE! BAM! POW! CRASH!

"Uchiha! Time to die!"

"Thought you wanted to learn the sharingan, not kill me!"

"Teach me and perhaps I'll spare your worthless life."

"No."

"Please?"

"You can't learn it, blob!"

"Who you callin' a blob! RAHHHHHHH!"

BANG! CRASH! BOOM! etc…

"Gonna have to call you back, Neji."

"Desert Coffin!"

"Electric Chakra thingy that Kakashi taught me awhile ago!"

KABLOOIE

The message stopped. Apparently, Sasuke's phone had exploded. Neji sighed. It had been another long day. He decided to take an aspirin and turn in early for the night.

…MEEEEEANWHILE! (try singing it to the tune of the gorilla song)…

Shino and Kiba had been busy. Oh so busy. They had had a very full day working for Itachi. The list of 101 ways to use Naruto was almost complete. They were so involved in their work they only stopped once (and that was for Kiba to call Neji several times). They were so involved, in fact, that they didn't even notice when Kiba's dad kidnapped Hinata and replaced her with a turkey. Even when Sasuke and Gaara ran by, blasting each other like DrangonBallZ gone wrong, they barely looked up from their work. They just kept on truckin'.

"Take this you bastard!" said Gaara, aiming a half-hearted punch in the general direction of Sasuke's head. It hit Sasuke in the pocket instead and a letter fell out.

"What's this, now?" sneered Gaara, bending down to pick it up.

"Nothing!" yelled Sasuke, hastily reaching for the letter.

But the turkey pretending to be Hinata snatched up the letter before either of them could.

"Gobble gobble gobble!" it cried. It ran off before either Sasuke or Gaara realized it wasn't Hinata.

Now, it turns out that Kiba's dad was hired to kidnap Hinata by none other than Orochimaru, who was living in Kiba's attic. The turkey was also one of Orochimaru's loyal minions, and so it brought him the letter. It was a letter that Sasuke's aunty (aka Shikamaru) had sent him last week.

"What is this, Hinata turkey?" asked Orochimaru, pulling on a purple sweater. Kiba's attic was rather drafty. Nor nearly adequate for a high-ranking criminal genius such as himself, but it was the only place with free Internet access and a swimming pool with a slide.

"I asked what is that!" repeated Orochimaru impatiently. He was looking forward to a dip in the pool, but he was waiting for the turkey to leave first.

"Gobble gobble gobble!" answered the turkey. Orochimaru snatched the letter from the turkey and sat down on his bed to read.

"M.r. bongalo cabbage

if you d'ont let me eat your poo, I will poo you, and you will be sad so let me eat your poo, and if you do the folloing things, I will be mad too if you eat Pungo, or take a submerine to the goby desert, go scalunking on the mountens of suig, eat fish on my favret plate, summon your veggies to chop themselvs, write guruny on your bath-tub, stue some water, say scum-tum-rump, all that will upset me so d'ont do them and keep Pepermen the pig off my lawn, and d'ont let my munky on the brige, so let e eat your poo……. OK, JUST STOP BUGGNG ME!

Luv aunty."

Orochimaru stared. Orochimaru scratched his head. Orochimaru wondered who had sent this letter to him. Who wanted to… eat his shit! What the hell? And who was this person to boss him around! What if he wanted to take a submarine to the Gobi Desert! And Peppermen the pig could wander on whoever's lawn he bloody well pleased!

"No one can stop you, Peppermen!" cooed Orochimaru. He petted the head of a fat pig sitting beside him. Peppermen oinked in agreement.

"Now…" said Orochimaru, "Where is Kiba's dad? He should have Hinata by now!"

And sure enough, in about five seconds, Kiba's dad burst through the door with Hinata in tow.

"Excellent!" crowed the evil maniac, "Leave us now, father of Kiba!"

Kiba's dad left.

"W-what do y-you want?" asked Hinata nervously. She wondered why Kiba's dad had delivered her to Orochimaru.

"Not much…" sneered Orochimaru. He walked closer to her and bent down so his face was at the same level as hers, "You need to teach me something."

"T-to yoyo?" asked Hinata. She was the world yoyo champ. But why would Orochimaru—

Her thoughts were cut off by the snakeman's voice. "No. I know how to yoyo, my dear. What I want is more complicated… Come with me."

He began to walk downstairs. Not knowing what else to do, Hinata followed…


	4. Hinata sensei!

For three nights now… there's been some drunken guy singing outside my window. It's true. And it's scary. I can't sleep.

!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()+

Hinata followed Orochimaru down the attic stairs into a brightly lit kitchen where Kiba was eating dinner with his family. Kiba passed a bit of broccoli to Akamaru, but Akamaru didn't want it and he fell off of Kiba's head. Kiba looked over and for a split second he thought he saw Hinata and Orochimaru walking into the backyard, but when he looked back they were gone. He returned to force-feeding broccoli to his dog.

"Um, Orochimaru?" asked Hinata nervously. They were now in Kiba's backyard.

"What is it, sensei?" asked Orochimaru.

Hinata was slightly fazed by Orochimaru calling her 'sensei' but she figured he was just being his weird evil self. "Why are we in… Kiba's house?"

"Nonsense! We are merely in his backyard! Anyway, this is where the lessons must take place sensei," he answered.

"Yes… my subordinate." Hinata whipped out her yoyo and started 'walking the dog'. Kiba liked that particular trick.

"Foolish sensei! You must not teach me to yoyo! I am already capable of that! I was the runner up in the world championships, beaten only by you! Surely you remember…"

"Ah, yes, my underling," replied Hinata. She was no longer stuttering. It's amazing, the self-confidence you get when someone calls you 'sensei', "Your 'around the world' technique was not quite up to scratch."

Orochimaru hung his head in shame.

"Don't worry about it! I'm sure I can give you some pointers!" Hinata said cheerfully. She even gave Orochimaru a pat on the head!

"No! Sensei… this is not what I need… I need you to teach me…" Orochimaru hesitated, making sure no one was listening, "… how to swim!"

Hinata looked at Orochimaru for a moment, then burst into a huge grin. "No prob! I am—"

"—an undefeated world champion at breaststroke?" Orochimaru finished for her.

Hinata nodded, "I am the world champion at most things… except for one. Taking leather pants off people. At that one thing only… Sasuke managed to beat me. And I have sworn revenge."

"Sensei! At your side, I shall help take vengeance upon Uchiha for his arrogance! …As soon as I have learned to swim," swore Orochimaru.

"Very good," said Hinata.

And so the lessons began.

…MEANWHILE…

Kankuro looked left. Then he looked right. Where was Shikamaru! He had been following him, now he was nowhere in sight… Wait! Was that really a large bottle of mustard? Or was it Shikamaru in disguise? It must be Shikamaru! That conniving little brat! Kankuro quickly ran over and grabbed the mustard out of the hands of a man trying to sell hotdogs.

"I have found you Shikamaru! You try to outsmart me? The lovely Kangaroo maid? You will never succeed!" Kankuro began laughing evily. He squeezed the mustard bottle and some mustard landed on Kabuto, who happened to be the guy selling hotdogs.

"Oh no!" shouted Shikamaru, who wasn't the bottle of mustard in disguise. He was a bottle of ketcup in disguise, and thought Kankuro had found him out. He quickly shed the ketchup costume he had been hiding in and ran away.

Kankuro handed the mustard bottle back to Kabuto and followed closely.

"AHHHHH! Damn turkey!" swore Sasuke, "Stole my letter!"

"Fight with me!" yelled Gaara, "I must learn the sharingan at all costs!"

"Why, you blob?"

"DO NOT CALL ME BLOB! I WILL KILL YOU FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE!"

"Blob."

"Do not call me by that name!" Gaara was on the verge of tears! That damn Sasuke… bringing up painful memories.

"Nyah nyah nyah blob blob!" cried Sasuke. He didn't understand why the word 'blob' upset Gaara so much, and he didn't really care, either. This battle was about honor! He would win at all costs.

"This battle is about honor, right, Sasuke?" asked Gaara, trying not to let his tears show.

"You read my mind! That's why I'm going to win!" Sasuke answered haughtily, and then, as an afterthought, "Blob!"

"Then… don't call me that name! It hurts my pride and calls up memories of things better left forgotten."

Sasuke looked at Gaara for a brief moment. Was it really worth hurting Gaara's feelings just to win? Yes, of course. "BLOBBBBBBBB!" yelled Sasuke.

And that's when Gaara cracked.

He took a shovel and shoved it right up against Sasuke's chest.

"Don't make me use this."

Sasuke merely laughed in defiance. How would a shovel-wielding wacko like Gaara beat him? Too bad he didn't know the truth… "Bl-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence. Garra took the shovel apart and pushed the blade over his face like a mask. He stuck the stick part in the ground and started dancing around it. With the mask on, he looked like some freakish guy wearing a shovel on his face.

"NOOOOO!" cried Sasuke, dropping to his knees and raising a bitter fist at the sky. "Gaara! You shall pay… one day."

And then Sasuke vanished off the face of the earth. No one has seen him since. JUST KIDDING! He went home.

Gaara smirked to himself. Ha! That Uchiha bastard lost pitifully and without resistance to his "Mega Shovel no jutsu". But then something occurred to Gaara. He had still not learned the sharingan. DAMN THAT UCHIHA! That fight had been fruitless, after all. He sat down heavily. Too bad it happened to be on Shikamaru's face.

Gaara looked down when heard a muffled yell from underneath him.

"What are you doing there?" he asked.

"Hiding from Kankuro," admitted Shikamaru, "Please don't let him find me!"

"I don't care if he finds you or not! It isn't my business."

"Please, Gaara! Have mercy! If you help hide me, I'll pay you back someday! I'll do anything!" gasped Shikamaru, "As long as it involves no effort…" he muttered under his breath.

Gaara smiled evily. "Alrighty," he agreed. And he sat on Shikamaru's head again, just as Kankuro ran in.

"Have you seen Shikamaru?" asked Kankuro, out of breath.

"No, I haven't, Kankuro!" lied Gaara.

"Call me Kangaroo. We still have a mission to accomplish." Then he ran into a closet. And no one knows why there was a closet there, in the middle of the sidewalk. The architect must have been drunk.

"Sooooo…." said Gaara. He bought an ice cream and sat on Shikamaru's head to eat it, "from now on, you will be my personal chair."

Shikamaru was fine with that. At least he didn't have to move around.

While Kankuro was wandering around in the closet (it was a pretty big closet, by the way) he met Itachi.

"Hello Itachi!" said Kankuro.

"Hello Kankuro." said Itachi.

Then they went their separate ways.

Itachi left the closet, and went to Kiba's house to see if his list was done yet.

It was.

Meanwhile, Temari was the only one of the three sand ninjas to be making any progress on the mission. Sigh, what would this world come to without women?

Temari was sitting on the couch with Chouji, watching Grandmother's Woe, and eating chips. It was reruns again… Well, what do you expect! Grandmother's Woe only has ONE episode! Of course there're reruns! But Temari wasn't slacking off! She was working hard at the mission.

"Chomp chomp chomp." Chouji and Temari were eating a lot of chips. Temari had found out that to use Chouji's technique, you had to be… how do I say this delicately… a little on the heavy side. So she was busy packing on the pounds.

"Mmmmph!" exclaimed Chouji, through a mouthful of chips.

"MmmMmmmPHH!" agreed Temari thoughtfully, also eating chips. I have NO idea what they're saying…

That was around the time when Itachi knocked on the door. Temari stood up to answer it. Her hand was greasy from all those chips, so it took her a while to turn the doorknob properly. While she was doing this, Itachi rang over 45 times! As I said, Temari was not exactly made of butler material.

When Temari finally managed to open the door, Itachi came in.

"Temari! How I have missed you!" he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around his beloved.

"As I have missed you, my darling Itachi." she whispered, returning the hug.

"Can you stop with the mushy stuff!" yelled Chouji from the living room, "I'm trying to watch Grandmother's Woe here!"

They apologized profusely.

"Where have you been, Itachi-kun?" asked Temari.

"On a voyage. But none of it matters now that I am back by your side!" said Itachi.

"Oh Itachi!"

"Oh Temari!"

They hugged.

Chouji yelled at them again, because they were starting to make out noisily.

They both apologized again.

"You look a bit different since I last saw you!" exclaimed Itachi, looking at Temari.

"Well…" she replied, "It HAS been three months!"

"Yes, yes. I suppose. But something seems different… I can't quite place it though… Did you get a new haircut?"

"No…"

"New teeth?"

"NO!"

"Wait! I know! You've gained about 500 pounds!"

"YES!" exclaimed Temari.

Itachi was not exactly excited at the idea of having an obese girlfriend. He was afraid she might squash him. But since he loved Temari with all of his heart, he tried not to let it show.

"I—it looks good!" he lied.

Temari burst into tears. "I can tell you're lying! You probably hate me now!"

Itachi looked shocked. "Of course I don't hate you! It doesn't matter how you look on the outside, it's how you are on the inside that counts! I will always love you! You're such a nice person! Plus, you make the best cookies that I have ever tasted in my whole life! Whenever I eat them, I get all happy inside… Everything seems surreal… like a dream or something!"

"That's only because Kankuro puts drugs in them," sniffed Temari, "I don't care about this mission anymore! I'm not going to live the rest of my life like this!"

And so she started working out. She went to the gym everyday until she had returned to normal. Itachi took over her butlering duties.

…ELSEWHERE…

"LESSON NUMBER TWENTY EIGHT!" yelled Hinata. She had become quite aggressive over the last few days. She had been to all sorts of professional counselors over the years, but the no one had been able to make a difference in her confidence levels. Until Orochimaru came along.

It's pretty sad, that an insane criminal can do, for free, what those shrinks who get paid over a hundred bucks an hour can't.

"Yes sensei!" cried Orochimaru, practicing his breaststroke. After awhile, Hinata threw a paperweight in the pool and watched it sink. She laughed evilly. Then she found a slug, and quite enjoyed herself as she watched it writher in pain as she sprinkled salt on it. It seemed that Orochimaru was having more of an effect on her than she had planned. Ah, well. Being evil was fun.

!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()+

Last night, I SWEAR I heard a duck outside my window… damn window. And a raccoon was in our swimming pool. My dad saw it.


	5. Growing evil

During these times, Kiba rarely ventured into his backyard. He was afraid of the consequences, since the last time he tried to go swimming Hinata threatened him with bodily harm.

"Get out of here!" she had barked, "Do not interfere with my lessons or you shall find yourself short several limbs!"

And so Kiba, quite sadly, went back inside. He was quite depressed. Hinata, once his friend, was sadly neglecting him for Orochimaru. So he decided to go to the best substitute, Hinata turkey, for condolence.

"Oh Hinata turkey," he sobbed, trying on one of Orochimaru's purple sweaters, "I don't know what to do! I feel so depressed, and I feel like I don't have any friends!"

"Gobble gobble gook," the turkey replied wisely.

"Shino?" Kiba replied, "But he hasn't called me in weeks! What kind of friend doesn't call you in weeks?"

"Goodle gobble," said the turkey.

"Oh… yes. I forgot about that! Yes, you're right. We did see each other yesterday. I remember now. I saved him from the penguins. However… I guess it's Hinata that I'm really missing."

"Gook!" the turkey yelled, and launched itself into Kiba's arms.

"Oh, Hinata turkey!" cried Kiba, "you've been here all along!" And he embraced the turkey. "We shall never again be parted."

….SOMEWHERE ELSE….

Shikamaru was perfectly happy being Gaara's chair. He didn't have to move. He found it quite nice, actually. And Kankuro could never find him. There was only one problem.

When Thursday rolled around, Shikamaru remembered what he had to do. He had to write a letter to Sasuke! He couldn't let poor Sasuke think that Aunty was neglecting him! With a jolt, Shikamaru reached up and grabbed some paper and pens. And he set busily to work.

….MEANWHILE….

Akamaru barked, but Kiba payed no attention. He was too busy with Hinata turkey. They went to the amusement park, and he bought her ice cream and they rode on the Ferris Wheel together. When they were at the very top, Hinata turkey clutched Kiba's hand. They sat there for what seemed like an eternity. Then the wheel began to turn again, and the moment was broken.

Later, they went to a little seaside café. They would have gone to a Korean restaurant, but a crazy old lady thought Hinata turkey was cabbage and tried to make her into kim chi. So the two had to leave. But barring this incident, the outing went beautifully. Kiba came home in a daze, so marvelously happy.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for Akamaru. Kiba was totally ignoring the dog who used to be his best friend! Akamaru remembered well those hazy summer days, those long walks in the park, the games of fetch and the rides on Kiba's head. How could Kiba have forgotten? And all for a simple turkey.

Akamaru didn't like the turkey. Not in the slightest bit. In fact, as the days went by, and summer turned to winter, he began to hate the turkey with all of his heart. One day, he thought, one day that turkey will pay for its insolence. I will see to that.

And so, one day, Kiba called Hinata turkey and she did not come. He began to worry. He searched every nook and cranny for his beloved, but no matter how high or how low he searched, she could not be found.

This, of course, was Akamaru's doing. Late one night, he had kidnapped Hinata turkey and deported her to Taiwan, where she could live alone for the rest of her days. (Well, not entirely alone. I'm sure someone would have taken her in.)

Kiba was completely distraught. "Now that Hinata turkey is gone," he wailed, "What shall I do?"

Akamaru emitted a small bark. And for the first time in weeks, Kiba looked down at his little friend.

"I'm sorry, Akamaru," he said. And he picked up the small dog, "I have been very foolish. few days later, Sasuke received a letter from Aunty. He was overjoyed, and ripped it open.

This is what it said:

I'm on to you. I know you're me old uncle Alfred in disguise. I had suspicions from the start, but now i have proof.

Only Alfred says "Hey Farmer! HAHAHA!"

You call me a freak of nature.

You are secretly a man.

Your telephone does not seem to work.

You are constantly changing your name.

Your fingers itch for the remote control.

You do not own a first edition pokemon card.

You live in Alberta.

You are extremely crude.

You have only changed your underwear once in your life.

You seem to believe in astrophysics.

Your father used to be a rocket scientist of great intelligence.

Your polka dots all fell off when you were born.

The only music you listen to is reruns from the 1600s.

Your favourite show is "little VV on a Viking ship named Colossus".

Your head is cheese.

Vampires gather at your bathroom sink.

You feel sad sometimes.

You are a were-wolf.

Your birthday is on a day that does not exist.

THE END, ALFRED!

Sasuke examined the letter carefully.

"Oh no!" he cried when reading number 3, "my secret has been discovered!"

And when he read number twenty, he was thoroughly distraught.

"I must make myself a new birthday!" he cried, and of course set the date to February 18, the day of Naruto's second birthday.

When he saw number 15, he became indignant. "My favourite show is Grandmother's Woe! Even though there's only one episode… Auntie should know that!" But Sasuke did not hold any grudges towards his auntie. He knew that that was just the way she was. And he loved her for it.

As Sasuke sat quietly, rereading the letter, he was not aware that plots were being made against him. They were quite evil plots, in fact. The kind of evil plots that made your blood run cold and you hair stand on end. These plots against Sasuke were being made by none other than the very evil Orochimaru, and his very, very evil partner, Hinata.

The plots concerned the matter of Sasuke being better at taking pants off people than Hinata. Hinata was an undefeated champion at EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. Including parachuting, snowdiving, inching, walking, sanitizing napkins, speaking mandarin, licking stuff. She even held the record for wearing the same jacket for the longest period of time in recorded history. But that dreadful Uchiha! He was better at taking pants off of people! Hinata could never, ever, beat him at that particular task.

And so she had come to hate Uchiha. And with an experienced evildoer like Orochimaru, she had been helped to hone that hate, down to a bitter point, as sharp as steel. This hatred, now, was beautiful. It shone with radiance. And she would use it to pay back that Uchiha Sasuke for all that he had done.

Hinata and Orochimaru finished their plans. Although she would exact her revenge the next day, Hinata was still unhappy. She wanted to put that Uchiha in his place NOW! But she knew that she must wait until tomorrow. The beauty of this plan, the delicate balance… she must not upset those. So she would wait. The next day, Sasuke would be doomed.

Hinata still needed to do something about her bad mood. So she went into the house, padded softly upstairs, and into Kiba's room.

And there, she raped him and took away his virginity.

She felt much better after that.

;;;;;;;OOOOOOOOOOOOOO;;;;;;;;;

Itachi was hopping from foot to foot with impatience. "Have you finished yet!" he demanded of Shino.

"Finished what?" asked the bug boy.

"THE LIST OF COURSE!" Itachi was at the limit of his patience. He had been waiting a long time for this moment.

"The list of 101 ways to use Naruto?"

"Yes!"

"Oh. Well Kiba has it."

"And where is Kiba exactly? Why is he not here?"

Shino looked away. "I'm not sure. It's not usual for Kiba to be late…"

Itachi growled. "If he will not come to me, I will go to him." And he bounded off, with Shino tucked safely under his cloak.

When they reached Kiba's house, they bounded through his window.

"Where is the liiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssst?" Itachi demanded.

Kiba looked at them silently, but did not speak a single word.

"Where iiiiiiiiiiiis it, my pretty?" Itachi's behaviour was becoming more and more disturbing by the minute.

Kiba slowly got up, walked to his desk and began rummaging around. He retrieved a sheet of paper and handed to Itachi, never once blinking, never once changing his expression. He sat back down on his bed.

Itachi, satisfied, began to head away, but Shino quickly jumped out of his cloak.

He walked over to his friend.

"Kiba, what's wrong?" He asked.

Kiba did not answer. He only hung his head in shame and began to weep.

Itachi, having other duties to perform, left the scene. But Shino, a true friend, remained by Kiba's side.

"I've been raped," Kiba said, his voice barely loud enough to be heard.

Shino could not believe this. "Who was it?" He nearly screamed in outrage, "I'll find that bloody bastard and kill him!"

Kiba's face twitched slightly, a mere facsimile of a smile. Kiba had to strain to hear his voice. "It was Hinata."

Shino sat, stunned with shock. "Well, then," he said slowly, "I guess it's time."

Kiba nodded silently in agreement. "Yes… It is time for my World Tour to begin."


	6. Kiba's last stand

It looked as though it were going to be a beautiful day in Konoha. The sun shone brightly. The air was calm and peaceful. And when the ninjas woke up from their individual slumbers, virtually none of them could have predicted that this day would go down in history as one of the weirdest days the hidden city had ever seen.

!#$&()!#$&()+

"Orochimaru! Wake up!" cried a loud, commanding voice.

"Ugh. Just one more minute," he muttered into his pillow, savouring the evil dream he had been having.

"No, you must get up at once! Do you not recall what day it is today?" snarled Hinata, pulling the covers unceremoniously off of Orochimaru, revealing him to be wearing fluffy pink pajamas covered in bunnies.

Hinata stared in shock.

"Orochimaru," she said softly, "Are you sure you don't have more… _evil_ pyjamas than that?"

"Well, I have some, um, ninja turtle ones," Orochimaru replied sheepishly.

"Well, that's a bit better," she remarked, "But as I was saying, today is a very important day." She narrowed her eyes, "It would be very… _impertinent_ to sleep in. I might have to do something about it. And I doubt that it would be pleasant for you."

"Of course, Hinata-sensei," Orochimaru leaped to his feet. "I shall begin to get ready at once."

"Good. Very good," Hinata said, her eyes still narrowed, "There will be no more of this insubordination, I trust?"

"No, no, Hinata-sama," Orochimaru replied earnestly.

And as Hinata left the room, Orochimaru had to wipe a tear from his eye. He couldn't believe his little Hinata was growing up so fast. The evil inside her had grown and grown until it equalled even his. He was so _proud_ of her.

Hinata made her way down to the kitchen. Kiba, who was pouring himself some Lucky Charms, froze. Hinata snatched the bowl away and began to eat. Kiba poured himself another bowl. Hinata snatched that one as well. Kiba started to cry. Hinata laughed and then took the whole cereal box.

!#$&()!#$&()+

There were several people who held grudges against Sasuke Uchiha. There was Naruto, who was jealous of Sakura's affection for the boy, and who also just didn't like him. Then there was Kiba's dad, who didn't like the way Sasuke rejected his advances every time he delivered the mail. And of course, there was Gaara, who had not forgotten that Sasuke had left him lying in his boxers in the front yard. But most of all, there was Hinata. And being on Hinata's bad side these days was not exactly a good thing. Even poor people like Kiba, who had done nothing wrong, were targeted by her (Kiba was raped and had his cereal stolen, if you will remember). So just imagine how Sasuke was going to be punished.

Sasuke was the one who had tarnished her reputation. Hinata was the world champion at everything. And I mean _everything in the world. _Her room was filled with trophies, as you may recall, for events such as parachuting, snowdiving, inching, walking, sanitizing napkins, speaking mandarin, licking stuff, and wearing the same jacket for the longest period of time in recorded history.

But Uchiha… shivers of anger ran down her spine just thinking about him. How dare he be better at taking leather pants off people than she was? How arrogant.

But the thing that angered Hinata most was the empty space. The empty space on her bookshelf, that she had reserved specially for the trophy for taking leather pants off people. She had gone to the competition full of hope, and perhaps the tiniest bit of arrogance. That arrogance had been her downfall. She had lost to Sasuke by one second. And that spot on her bookshelf was still empty.

But today, today would change all that. Hinata smiled that sweet smile of hers. She almost, for a second, looked innocent. And in her heart, she felt happy.

!#$&()!#$&()+

Kiba, still crying, went for a walk with Akamaru. No matter how hungry he was, or how much he had been violated, taking Akamaru for a walk was a vital part of his daily routine.

"Akamaru, you've always been my friend," Kiba began.

Akamaru barked in agreement.

"Well, anyways, this whole situation with Hinata is getting out of control. She used to be my friend, but she hasn't been the same ever since she started hanging out with Orochimaru."

Akamaru barked again.

"You're right," Kiba agreed, "I need to help her. I know she only raped me under that evil man's influence, so I don't hold any grudges against her. But I have to stop this. It's been happening every night now. It's getting kind of… painful."

So Kiba slowly, ever so slowly, tiptoed up to Hinata's room. Well, actually, it was really his room, but Hinata had taken over it a few weeks ago. Kiba had had to start sleeping in the dog kennel.

Kiba nudged the door open a crack and peered in. Hinata was standing in front of his bookcase (she had burned all his books and replaced them with her trophies). She was staring at one space, to the left of the middle shelf, and muttering to herself. Straining to hear, Kiba leaned forward.

"Sasuke. You beat me. Your insolence shall not go unpunished. But don't worry, it won't take long. It might even be painless, if you don't resist."

Kiba gasped. Hinata was going to hurt Sasuke! Unfortunately, Hinata heard him. She turned.

"Kiba," she said.

"Um, sorry wrong room," he gave a fake laugh, "I thought this was the bathroom! I'll just go then!"

"No, no, come here," Hinata ordered.

Unwillingly, Kiba approached her. He stepped into his room for the first time in months.

"Do you see this empty space?" she asked.

Kiba nodded, unsure if this was the response that would stop him getting bludgeoned.

"This is the space for the trophy that Sasuke Uchiha stole from me," she said.

And then it all clicked for Kiba. He had seen the competition those many years ago. In fact, he had been one of the volunteers wearing leather pants, waiting to be stripped. He could recall, clearly, the crying face of Hinata after she had lost. The zipper on his pants had stuck, and it had been the fatal few seconds that had cost her the tournament.

"That was um, really mean of him," Kiba said uncertainly.

Hinata nodded. "You may go," she told him.

Kiba, grateful to be escaping with his life, headed for the door.

"Be ready for me tonight," Hinata called after him.

Kiba's tears flowed freely once more.

He returned to the dog kennel, and hugged his dogs one by one.

"I love you guys," he choked out, "But I may not see you for a while. I need to go warn Sasuke, but after that I'm not coming home. I'm going to start my World Tour."

!#$&()!#$&()+

Sasuke was playing with his zamboni on his personal ice rink when he heard the doorbell ring. Reluctantly, he demounted, and went to answer the doorbell.

"What do you want?" he asked moodily, then noticing it was Kiba, he added, "Hey, would you tell your Dad to _please_ stop hitting on me? It's getting really annoying!"

"Okay, I'll do that," Kiba said. He looked left and right, making sure Hinata was nowhere in sight. Then he whispered, "Hey, can I come in? I need to warn you about something.

"Okay, I guess…" Sasuke said. He led Kiba inside, and quickly kicked his Barbies under the couch so that Kiba wouldn't see them.

"Oooooohhhhhh, nice zamboni," Kiba commented.

"Okay, what do you have to warn me about?"

"It's Hinata," Kiba replied, still whispering, "You have to have noticed how she's been acting lately. She's… _evil_. And she's coming for you."

Sasuke snorted, "Oh, yeah, right. Are we talking about the same Hinata here? There's no way I'm scared of her!"

"I'm serious Sasuke, I heard her plotting against you. It's about that," Kiba pointed to the trophy that adorned Sasuke's mantelpiece.

"Well," Sasuke said, "If she wants it, she'll have to go through me."

"Just be careful, okay?" Kiba said. And then he left.

!#$&()!#$&()+

Neiji was very puzzled. Very puzzled indeed. He checked his answering machine again, but he still had no new messages. Kiba _always_ left prank calls. Something was up. He was unable to contemplate this any further, however, because at that moment, Rock Lee burst through his living room window.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!" Neiji screamed in a high-pitched girlish voice, which simply confirmed all our beliefs that either he is hopelessly gay, or a lady in disguise.

"Hey Neiji," Lee said eagerly, "Want a plum?"

"No," screamed Neiji, "I do not want a plum!"

"Oh, go on, I've got lots!" Lee said.

"NO!"

"Why are you so touchy?" asked Lee.

"You just broke my living room window!" Neiji yelled.

"It's okay, you're not going to be living here much longer anyways," Lee replied in a voice that was a little too carefree.

"Not going to be living – wait a minute," Neiji's eyes narrowed in suspicion, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, because I did such a _marvellous_ job trimming the Hokage's hedges to look like shiny teeth, he's decided to give me a reward."

"What does that have to do with my house?" Neiji demanded.

"Well, a squad of house-demolishing ninjas is on its way here right now to demolish your house. Then they're going to give the property to me so that I can plant a plum orchard," said Lee cheerfully.

The squad of house-demolishing ninjas arrived at Neiji's. They were all promptly stuffed in the dryer, along with the unfortunate Rock Lee.

!#$&()!#$&()+

Although Sasuke had not shown it in front of Kiba to keep his reputation for being an unfazed macho, he was deeply worried. His brow was furrowed as he carefully, almost lovingly, covered his trophy with bubble wrap and packed it into his crate (the one he kept his Barbies in).

He got a little distracted, though, and started playing with Barbie and Ken. After a few hours, he got hungry. He went to go make lunch.

_It's almost lunchtime,_ he thought, _shouldn't Hinata have made her move by now?_

He was in the middle of making an omelette when it happened. He heard an odd noise from under his couch.

He grabbed a kunai. Then, he stepped from the kitchen table, to a kitchen chair, to the bureau, to a laZboy reclining chair, and finally to the couch, so as not to touch the floor and alert whatever was under the couch to his presence.

Sasuke leaned over, using all the powers of stealth he had acquired as a ninja to aid him. Part of his shiny black hair hung sexily over his face (he had to look good in case any girls were watching him. (Which wasn't as unlikely as it seems, by the way. Sakura and Ino often peered into his windows to catch a glimpse of him. Luckily, they hadn't seen his Barbies yet)). He leaned over, and with a swift movement, grabbed the thing under the couch.

Sasuke yelped. The thing scurried around, trying to free itself of his grip.

But Sasuke didn't let go. He held on to Peppermen, the pig, with all of his strength.


	7. It's off to Costa Rica!

Shikamaru decided it was time to go on a trip. A long, long, trip, he decided. Sure, being Gaara's chair had been nice – for a time. But then he started developing chronic back problems. And he thought Kankuro was getting rather suspicious. Why did he think Kankuro was suspicious? Well, largely because he heard the following dialogue:

"Garra?" Kankuro had asked.

"You said my name wrong," Gaara said, looking up from the issue of 17 Magazine he was reading.

"Sorry?" said Kankuro, confused.

"Well, it's actually Gaara, not Garra like you said it. It has two 'a's and only one 'r'."

"Okay," agreed Kankuro cheerfully, "but anyways, I wanted to ask you about your new chair."

Gaara grunted.

"Well, I mean, I've been looking for Shikamaru everywhere, gotta complete my mission, you know. I mean, Temari's been off to the gym every day this week, hasn't set a foot near Chouji's house, and you, well, you haven't done anything since Sasuke called you a blob!" Kankuro said.

Gaara looked up from his magazine threateningly, "Let's not bring that up, shall we?" He said, every word dripping with menace.

"Er, okay," said Kankuro, "but since I haven't seen Shikamaru anywhere lately, I was just wondering if you knew where he was."

"No idea," said Gaara. He flipped the page.

"Well, it seems kind of suspicious to me that about the time Shikamaru went missing, you acquired a chair which looked exactly like him."

Underneath Gaara, Shikamaru squirmed uncomfortably.

"Don't know where you got that idea from," said Gaara coolly.

"Oh come on, Gaara, I'm not an idiot!" said Kankuro exasperatedly.

"Well, that sucks," said Gaara casually.

"No it doesn't – hey," said Kankuro, getting suspicious, "What is that supposed to mean?"  
Gaara rolled up his magazine and stuffed it in his pocked. Then he stood up.

"If you were an idiot, I wouldn't have to kill you."

Kankuro quickly realized that Gaara's new chair was nothing more than an ordinary piece of furniture and decided to go off and do the laundry.

Gaara sat back down.

!#$&()!#$&()+

But in the following days, Shikamaru saw Kankuro eyeing him when Gaara wasn't looking. These made Shikamaru very uncomfortable, and decide to take his aforementioned long trip.

_The Snow Country souds nice_, thought Shikamaru, _Or maybe Costa Rica. Yeah, I've always wanted to go to Costa Rica._

"Gaara?" asked Shikamaru hesitatingly at dinner one night.

"What is it, chair?" asked Gaara, munching on some corn.

"I've always wanted to go to Costa Rica," he confided.

Gaara peered down at Shikamaru. "Costa Rica?" he asked

"Well, yes," Shikamaru found himself squirming uncomfortably again, "To see the monkeys and things."

Gaara looked at Shikamaru. He looked at him for a long time. Then, finally, he said, "Go."

"Really?"

Gaara stood up. Shikamaru stood up.

"Go, my beloved chair. Go to Costa Rica where the monkies sing to you each morning and you drink coconut wind amongst beautiful women and Paul Martin, the most beautiful of them all. Go, surf on the beaches, fulfill you dreams, and come back," Gaara choked out, "Come back a better man."

Shikamaru assured him that he would.

!#$&()!#$&()+

Sasuke looked disbelievingly at the potbellied pig in his arms.

"This?" he asked incredulously, "This is it?"

He laughed.

"Hinata! I did you a great dishonour, and this is the best you can come up with? A piglet? I would have thought better of you! This," he put the pig carefully on the front step, then yelled as loud as he could so that the whole street could hear, "THIS IS PATHETIC! IF YOU ARE HEIR TO THE HYUUGA CLAN, YOU SHOULD DO MORE TO PROTECT YOUR HONOUR!"

Then he went inside to make jell-o.

He heard a crash from the entrance hallway. Slowly he turned. And there stood Peppermen, who had just crashed down the front door.

Peppermen knew kung-fu.

!#$&()!#$&()+

"Stupid pig," mumbled Sasuke one hour later. He had an ice pack on his forehead as he sat in front of the T.V. Peppermen had beaten him up so badly that he wasn't sure he'd be able to move for a week. Stupid Hinata had gotten her revenge after all. And she had found his trophy. Which was in the crate with the barbies.

Sasuke was very sore from being beat up by Peppermen's superior kung-fu skills. _Well, I suppose Hinata's had her revenge after all_, he thought bitterly to himself.

Little did he know that this was just the beginning.

!#$&()!#$&()+

Hinata carefully placed Sasuke's trophy on the bookcase. It said "1st Prize Winner Konoha Leather Pants Tournament. Congratulations Sasuke!" But that was crossed out so it now said "Hinata".

Hinata was very happy. The first part of her plan had been exacted perfectly. She was delirious with happiness, in fact, she felt very, very happy.

She decided to go and see Kiba. She ducked into the dog kennel, but Kiba wasn't there. Neither was Akamaru. There were only some very lonely dogs.

Hinata wasn't happy any more. Where was Kiba? She wanted to – Well, we don't need to mention it, but let's just say it didn't involve Lucky Charms.

And Kiba wasn't here to do her bidding. Hinata wasn't happy at all anymore. In fact, she was livid.

!#$&()!#$&()+

Shino was happily playing with his bugs. His favourite bug was named Morton. Morton used to be a circus bug. He did tricks like jumping through flaming hoops and dancing around nude. Morton's girlfriend was named Sarah Rose. She liked sitting on the toilet. She could sit there for hours on end, without getting bored. Luckily, she had been trained to move if she saw a butt, so that she wouldn't get squished by an unknowing toilet-goer.

"That's it, Morton!" said Shino, "Do the dancing trick!"

Morton obliged, and his fellow bugs all oohed and aahed appreciatively, but none louder than Sarah Rose.

Shino decided to join in. He took off all his clothes and began to dance around the room, waving his arms and kicking his legs.

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Hinata appeared in his doorway.

There was a rather uncomfortable silence.

Hinata looked away as Shino quickly picked his clothes up from where they had been tossed rather unceremoniously on the floor and put them on.

Morton quickly did the same, and then scuttled off with Sarah Rose into a dark corner under the dresser where they could have some privacy.

"Er, hello Hinata," said Shino uncomfortably.

Hinata uncovered her eyes.

"What can I do for you?" Shino asked, regaining his jovial manner.

"Where's Kiba?" asked Hinata, getting straight to the point.

"You know, I couldn't tell you," replied Shino, a slight frown crossing his face, "Haven't heard from him in days."

"Really?" asked Hinata a little doubtfully, "You're his best friend! Wouldn't he tell you before he just ran off?"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't tell you."

"I think you could," said Hinata with an ugly look on her face, "I think I could convince you to talk."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" said Shino, unnecessarily loudly.

"You know what I think?" asked Hinata, "I think your little buddy asked you not to tell me where he went."

Hinata reached under the dresser and pulled out Morton. He squirmed desperately, but she held on. She dangled him in Shino's face.

"Don't threaten me!" Shino gulped, sweat now running down his face.

Hinata grabbed one of Morton's legs and began to pull. The little bug began squirming frantically, aware of the danger he was in. Hinata pulled harder.

"OKAY! I'LL TALK!"

"Good," said Hinata smugly, and released the bug. Morton scrambled over to Sarah Rose, who began cuddling him comfortingly.

"He- he went on his World Tour," said Shino, his face turned away from Hinata.

Hinata squinted. "World Tour?" she asked.

"Here's a pamphlet," Shino handed her a paper with big bold letters on it. "And here's some free underwear."

Hinata put the underwear un her back pocket and looked at the pamphlet.

"The first date here – that's in two days from now!" Hinata exclaimed, "I could easily catch up to him!"

"I don't think so," said Shino, "Take another look."

Hinata looked down at the pamphlet again. "WHAT? It's in Costa Rica?"

"Yep," said Shino smugly, "You'll never catch him."

"We'll see about that," said Hinata, and she strode from the room with a smile playing at her lips.

"You'll never get him!" called Shino after her.

"Why not?" she turned.

Shino's look couldn't have been any haughtier. "It's in a BOYS BATHROOM!"


	8. Kabuto's new job

Orochimaru was petting Peppermen.

"Good job, Peppermen! Did you pee on his lawn, too?"

Peppermen nodded.

"Oh, good!"

"Orochimaru!" Orochimaru looked up when he heard Hinata calling his name.

"What is it, sensei?" he asked.

"I have some urgent business to attend to," she said.

"Of what nature?"

"Kiba thought he could get away from me by going to Costa Rica. I'm going after him," she said.

"Do you want me to come along?" asked Orochimaru, "I'm sure I could help you er… punish him."

"No, I can do this on my own," said Hinata, "But I was just wondering, where did you put the bazooka?"

"At the back of your closet," replied Orochimaru promptly.

Hinata went to get it. When she came back, she said, "While I am gone, I need you to stick to the plan."

"The plan to get back at Sasuke?"

"Yes," she said, "You are aware of the next stage, I presume?"

Orochimaru said that he was indeed.

"Good. Then I expect you to execute it at," she looked at her watch, "precisely six o'clock this evening."

"Count on me, sensei," Orochimaru said, snapping to a salute.

"Alright," said Hinata, "Now, I've got a plane to catch."

!#$&()!#$&()+

Konoha airport was a rather large building – it's actually very surprising that it was never shown in the anime. Go figure.

At this moment in time, three of our characters are in this airport. These happen to be, obviously, Shikamaru, Hinata, and, less obviously, Itachi.

Itachi? Well, he was there for reasons of his own. He was going to visit a representative of a large South American publishing company.

Hinata was irritated. The airport was so STUFFY. And there was a huge line-up. She tapped her foot impatiently, and then punched out the next couple of people in line so that she could skip up a few places. There was a rather nasty incident involving her possession of a bazooka, but after threatening the families of several of the security guards, no one pursued it.

Finally, she got past and into the waiting room. She looked out the window. Her plane had just arrived. She waited. Finally, she got to pre-board because she was a minor.

"Hello!" said an airline assistant wearing a lot of makeup.

Hinata grunted.

"My name's Kimberly and if you need anything during the flight, just call me, okay?"

Hinata ignored her and lugged her suitcase onto the plane.

Kimberly followed her up. "There's another minor on this plane, you'll be sitting together! Isn't that nice?" said Kimberly.

Hinata shoved Kimberly into the small airplane washroom. No one would find her for three hours.

Hinata found her seat. Shikamaru was sitting in the seat next to her.

"Hi," said Shikamaru.

!#$&()!#$&()+

Shino was worried. He was worried about the weather, he was worried about Gaara stealing his underwear, and he was worried about Morton's broken arm. But most of all, he was worried about Kiba.

Shino was Kiba's best friend. And best friends worry about each other. Especially when one of them has an angry rapist with a bazooka after them. So yes, Shino was worried. He thought there was maybe only one thing left to do.

Kiba quickly replaced Morton's bandages and hurried outside. He stopped by a hotdog stand, where he found the person he was looking for.

"Kabuto," he said.

"Shino," replied Kabuto.

There was an awkward silence.

"Would you like a hotdog?" asked Kabuto finally.

Shino accepted. He put relish and mustard and ketchup on it.

"Haven't seen you in a while," Kabuto said nervously.

"No," replied Shino taking a bite of his hotdog, "I've been busy."

"So…" said Kabuto.

"Good hotdog," said Shino.

"Thanks," said Kabuto.

There was another awkward silence.

"So I hear Orochimaru's been living at your buddy Kiba's house," Kabuto said bitterly.

"It's true," said Shino, "Do you miss him?"

"What do you think?" asked Kabuto, a nasty smile on his face, "But he'll come to his senses eventually. He'll realize that he can't live without me."

"Think so?" asked Shino conversationally. This was going _exactly_ where he wanted it to.

"Look at me!" Kabuto burst out, "I'm selling hotdogs now for God's sakes! I'm working for minimum wage! I hate my life! But the only way I can sleep soundly is because I know Orochimaru is as miserable as I am! He'll never find anyone who can replace me."

"Well," said Shino.

"WHAT?" roared Kabuto.

"I think he has, actually."

!#$&()!#$&()+

Shikamaru looked nervously at Hinata. She hadn't replied when he had said hello, just sat down and pulled out a magazine that she was now reading. He peered down at her magazine. The article she was reading was entitled "52 most painful ways to torture your enemies."

Wisely, Shikamaru decided not to pursue the conversation.


End file.
